Do Half Demons Dream of Quarter Sheep?
by hansardfanfiction
Summary: Apologies to Rumiko Takahashi, Philip K Dick, C S Lewis and J K Rowling. The gang stumble into a community formed of memes whom they wisely ignore. They also witness formative moments in wizarding history. Inu Yasha is preachy, gets zapped by laser. All of this raises more questions than anyone can reasonably expect to answer.
1. Chapter 1

DISORIENTALISM!

_With apologies to Rumiko Takahashi, Philip K Dick, C S Lewis, J K Rowling, and most importantly, to the audience. Really, that Fictomachia bit is stupid. I'd skip it._

_This fic is dedicated to those who translate videogames from Japanese to English._

Kagome, schoolgirl and part-time time traveller, Inu Yasha, bad tempered demon human hybrid, and Miroku, Buddhist with an event horizon, began to slow down on the path of life as they ran from a demonic panther.

'How do we get into these situations!' panted Miroku.

'You get around, you meet people, not all of them are going to like you.' replied Kagome. 'What's that up ahead?'

'Some weird ghost that's been bugging me.' puffed Inu Yasha. The ghost grimaced and slid at a constant rate of five meters in front of the half-demon. It pointed to the left, the direction to which Inu Yasha turned his head and noticed a sign saying NEW SODOM POP 9000. He yelled at his co-travellers to swing to the left.

'Great!' panicked Kagome and Miroku as they followed suit. The travellers ran into a stunning reproduction of 1950s San Francisco. Certainly not normal, but neither were monks with magical vacuuming curses so nobody commented. Kagome was too tired to point out the provenance of the town to her companions, and Inu Yasha was beyond caring at this point. As to the panther, it got distracted by the mysterious ghost and was last seen chasing poets around the Italian countryside. No, I don't get it either, and if you don't like the way history crumbles you shouldn't be a historian. Rant over, sorry.

Anywoozle the first person they say in this pseudo Frisco was a tall, pale man wearing a ten galleon hat and sporting double featherswords. Double featherswords! I know, mad right!

'Howdy pardner.' he lazily drawled at Kagome.

'Stay back!' she raised her arms out to prevent Miroku and Inu Yasha from approaching the genial stranger. 'He's a Westerner.'

'A what?' questioned Miroku. 'Some kind of -demon?' he began raising his cursed palm instinctively.

'In a manner of speaking. Look, you can tell by the way he assumes time is linear, reason is an end to itself, the shape of his face indicates that when he stubs his toe he'd invocate a Jewish deity instead of a Japanese one yet is implicitly atheistic, he deliberately misunderstands cultures in the light most beneficial to his ends, and the spurs and that invisible palomino horse his riding are pretty big clues too I suppose.' Spake Kagome.

'Yeah, well, when you say it like that its obvious.' retorted Inu Yasha, who had no idea what he was talking about but thought he understood metereology. 'So where'd you blow in from, aye?'

'Dun got blown down from dut interwebzle.' replied the Cowboy.

'Ayep.' nodded Inu Yasha as though he understood.

Miroku leaned forward eagerly. 'Anything weird happening here recently? Y'know, demons, shards…'

'Heck, this whole burg's a weird hap'nen!' hyucked the cowboy. 'This place was settled by all the internet memes after they was dun exiled from the internet by the superbloggers. Magic too, to those who ain't familiar with their contexts memes appear as ordinary Japanese civilians of thuh-' he waved his arms vaguely 'past I think. Yessuh indeedles, we've got them all… Chuck Norris, Rickroll, talking cats, reversed Russians and inspirational sarcastic black bordered posters. Not the realsies, but the platonic form of the meme was what the philosorapter told me. And we go way back to the bronze age, too.'

'A huh.' someone ahuh'd.

'We were gonna call in Dawkinstan but we'd figure that'd just summon religious weirdos-'

'You don't say' chorused Miroku and Inu Yasha like a pair of doves. Very ugly doves.

'- so we decided to call it New Sodom instead. Very sixties, I thought.'

You want a description of New Sodom? New Sodom looks like San Francisco, but small enough to fit in Japan without the local planning department noticing. Kagome yawned, but was grateful that she wasn't being chased. The cowboy handed his card to Kagome, as she had taken the lead.

'Mah name is FatHorse Lovegood, call me if you need any help, and remember, there is only one room in this town for the one of MEEEE (BY THE WAY THAT WASN'T A FAT JOKE HOW CAN THINK SUCH A THING YOU INSECURE PERSON YOU!)!' he squealed as he rode away on his invisible horse.

'He was the strangest person I've ever met' began Miroku. 'And I've met Kagome!' They all laughed heartily. 'But at least he didn't start singing at me.'

'Hey, Hey,' babbled Kagome. 'I don't think we're in Kansai anymore more, Inu Yasha. Get it? Get it!'

'Whatever. Right, we interrogate every civilian in New Sodom, solve their problems, and then crash at an inn. Zattaplanorizattaplan?' enthused Inu Yasha.

'I suppose so.' echoed a mysterious voice.


	2. Chapter 2

BLACK, WHITE, AND READ ALL OVER!

Sure that the was something going on in New Sodom, Miroku followed up Lovegood's card and walked into his office. Lovegood was the editor of the Quibbler, Feudalish Japan's favourite News Limited tabloid.

'Hyuaah!' said a suspiciously avuncular Miroku. 'Whazzup?

'Freh?' erupted Lovegood, saw it was the Buddhist monk and continued. 'Slow news day. Man bit a dog, new hopes of a Norris cancer cure, marauding demons…'

'Demons?' commented Miroku, as an orchestra began to stir.

'Yes. All those demons. Hurt me, hurt things.' the orchestra was choofling merrily now in the background. 'I'll take, a bun. You'll say, a pun. Always, they watch. They stare, at us. Hiding, waiting, communicating. Please don't kill me, I will stay quiet. Please let me go, I will not tell, let the children go, let me leave na-na-na-na-na fuh…-' the orchestra scratched like a record, and stopped. Lovegood glanced at the lyrics written in his notebook. 'Damn I forgot them.' he looked at Miroku. 'Look, what I'm trying to say is, yes, we have demons. A demon. Called Belial. One freaky ass goat. You can go now. Yipeeyiiyoo.'

The lobster phone on Lovegood's desk, who picked it up and clipped the claw onto his ear, body swinging around. Miroku could hear a guttural rumbling emanate from the scorpion's mouth. 'Ayes Rupert? I bugged the newcomers, they don't look like much. No that'd be difficult?' Lovegood yelled at Miroku. 'You should leave now.'

So Miroku did. As he left he heard the journalist agree that 'Troll detection is difficult, they won't admit a thing.'

Meanwhile, Kagome had been roped into presenting the Edo era version of Grand Designs. (Yeah, like a portal to feudal Japan is more plausible. That takes you to a constantly moving temporal point. I'm no food scientist but come on… really…)

'But does it blend into the landscape. I don't think you can build in time.' helpfully added Kagome to a woman who used to work at an alienating job but now works out at home now thanks to Google and by the way dermatologists hate her.

But enough of that carry on, for Inu Yasha's investigations had bought him to New Sodom's premier charm school, Pigpimples.

He peered into the face of Helena Hufflepuff, who was teaching a roomful of underprivileged children the basics of occultism. 'So, any demons recently?'

'Innies or outies?' Hufflepuff peered out of the corner of her eye. 'Aleister, take that out of your mouth at once!' she yelled reflexively.

'The outies. We're homeless vigilantes, not marriage counsellors.' Inu Yasha bellowed.

'There's that weird - stop pulling Rasputin's hair Blatavsky! - goat creature hanging round the school.' the teachers eyes darted out towards her disruptive captors. Lid-ear-ra-lee. Magic makes the use of metaphors more difficult.

'Coolio McDoolio.' Enthused Inu Yasha waving his thumbs merrily. 'By the way, what's the set-up here?'

'We're some kind of magic school. Pigpimples is all about teaching children from a mundane background basic occ- look, I'm sure you can get Godric to explain it to you after he and Salazar come back from the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. Now I really have to get to work.' she started stabbing the board with chalk.

A little girl, Abigail Williams walked up to Hufflepuff and asked for help with her homework. 'Cahhn U teach me tha evAsion spell agen?' she chirped. Children...

'On the other hand…' Helena faced the demon person again. 'Some more exposition wouldn't hurt, and I think that word was used in my job description. You've met Horsefat Lovegood haven't you? Sure you have, I don't actually want to hear -put that down Rudolf Steiner or I'll send you to Mota - what you have to say. Nice bloke, but don't draw him on astronomy. Help founded the school, along with Godric, Salazar and me. Wants us to call this place Boarbumps.'

'Really.' breathed Inu Yasha. 'You know, recently things haven't been seemed normal, or quite real. I feel like I'm becoming someone else.'

'Uh-hu.' the school teacher's eyes glazed over. 'but seriously now, stop licking that stapler Paracelsus, where in all of fan fiction did you get those PANTS?!'

'Where'd that Rasputin kid get that reliquary he's waving from?' Inu Yasha pressed.

'A present from Mr B. This is his last day in Japan.'

Five hours later the gang had met up at the pre-decided place of meeting, a café called Café.

'What's the deal with airline food?' asked Kagome, staring at the blood banana in her hand

Miroku, using the nine tenths of his brain (or was it ten ninths) mentally rewinding time and erasing Kagom's dismal line, jumpstarted the conversation by saying. 'Lovegood mentioned something about a magical goat thingie-'

Inu Yasha's eyes lit up in anger. 'Miroku, I hope you mean thingie as in creature or object, because we've had this conversation before and I don't want to explain to you how we're trying to maintain a certain rating and your part in that attempt.' Man, New Sodom effects people in strange and justifying ways, an effect of the local Ozzie Osbourne Clarke field. Inu Yasha had picked up his newly-found puritan attitude during a horrific encounter with the Big Knights, in a forgotten fic lost to the abyss of time.

'-a thingie of a creature nature.' was what Miroku ended his sentence with.

'The local education department indicated the same thing.' agreed Inu Yasha, choosing to gloss over Hufflepuff's interest in his pants, because that would only undermine him in front of Kagome.

'Well I noticed that none of the buildings here don't blend well with the landscape and that they can't build them on time with their resources.' Opined Kagome. 'I suspect its because New Sodom is modelled on 1950s San Francisco, yet is in Edo Japan. I think.'

'Uhuh!' nodded the other two, concentrating on their ramen sandwiches. 'Old boy, I must say this really is delicious.' Miroku asided to Inu Yasha.

'And furthermore I propose that after this meal we go ahunting and take down this goat!' concluded Kagome.

'And pull that magic shikon jewel shard out of his-'

Inu Yasha censoriously yelped 'MIROKU!'

'-ear!'


	3. Chapter 3

IN THE PARK WITH NARUKU!

He can plan, he can try, being generically evil

See that loon, watch that freak, avoid the Naruku (oo oo)

Any episode and any scroll

Finding demons to make trouble

Ones that are bit dumb, but relatively strong

He's hiring some underlings.

Anybody could be next

Women and children and broken necks

With a bit of black magic, everything goes wrong

He's in a mood for a laugh

He's a terror, he makes them hurt

Leave burning and then he's gone

Sniffing for the next victim, it could be you

He's in a mood for a laugh

And if he pulls your card

He is a lunatic, a megalomaniac

Demon king, feel the heat of the holy flame

You can run, you can hide, in a Pakistani cave

Here he comes, close your eyes, beware the demon king (oo oo)

Well I suppose that this is certainly one way to introduce a character. But of course, if you're reading this you probably know who we're eulogizing. Yes, eulogizing. The idea is that Naruku is a freaky demon man who seeks shards from the magical Shikon Jewel, as do our three protagonists. He also tears bits of himself to prosecute his nefarious ends and dresses up as a baboon. Hey, we've all gotta have a hobby.

Naruku was in a place doing something to some people, probably without their consent, that villain. Anyway, he was doing it, and what he was doing was vile. Suddenly he felt a pulling at his stomach that seemed to overwhelm his will. A whistling cab, it came near, the plate said evil and the mirror had a dice, a rare cab to New Sodom. He was pulled up at a house around seven or eight, informed the cab he'd see it in hell. Naruku looked at his kingdom. He was finally there. To sit on his throne as the prince of New Sodom.

But not… as the king!

'Forgive me,' he says. 'I have not felt like myself recently.'


	4. Chapter 4

THE SCREWUP LETTERS!

And now the curtain opens to reveal the true antagonist of our foolish story.

He's a kid, really, caged in a black iron prison outside the school. The lock is so easy to break, but only from the outside. Belial despondently chews the grass and talks to a child. 'You know, people, you know, those people, who can't do the magic thing? Are you sure they're really people.' Belial wouldn't be present to see the result of that badly phrased sentence, but he certainly was pleased at its ultimate result. Voldemort, I mean. Belial was really quite brave, for showing up as a goat in Harry Potter fan fiction.

'I disagree' said John Dee, as he ate a mud pie. 'everyone knows it's the people who can speak for themselves who count, not as you would have it, the ones who can spell.'

Helena Hufflepuff walked out and eyed the goat warily. The farm animal stared back. She sighed and re-entered the school.

Suddenly a cab with dice in the mirror reared up to the goat's cage, making Dee's mud pie collapse into a mud puddle. 'Not again!' he yelped.

A man wearing a baboon suit rolled out of the cab and found himself prostrated in front of Belial.

'Yo home to Belial! YO HOME TO BELIAL!' chanted Naruku, his character derailing faster than a drunk train.

'Home indeed' breathed Belial. 'And now for our next guest.' Belial strained as though he was doing a hard sum.

The Earth yawned a huge crack and vomited frorth a giant centipede wearing a conical hat and waving chopsticks. 'Konichuwa, sinners!' Under his guttural gurgle was the faint accent of an Oxford Don, _from hell_! 'I am that I am and that is SCREWTAPE!'

'Sakura Tape?' commented Naruku as he kissed the bars of Belial's cage. 'I've read some of your work, I expected something considerably different.' Having been adapted to a cartoon, he should have known people come across differently in text.

'Wassup Belly Ale?' said Sakura Tape ignoring Naruku completely. 'I haven't seen you since the Blitz? Remember that the sqaunder bug? With the Hitler head! Talk about Kafkaeseque!'

'I've changed a bit since my Godwin days. My scheme, the one where I replaced the Fuhrer with a Saiyan clone, hoping to make the Man in the High Castle timeline actually happen, didn't pan out.' admitted Belial. 'These days its all about luring children to free me and somehow end the world.'

'That's the dumbest scheme I've ever heard.' barked Naruku. 'And I temped at Team Rocket!'

John Dee threw his mud pie at Sakura Tape, who ate both of them. 'I don't know.' Tape commented. 'There's always a delicious irony in getting people to screw themselves. It'll be just like Paradise Lost, you know.'

'I'm afraid you lost me on that one.' muttered Naruku, who suddenly realized he was operating in an unfamiliar cultural frame and improvised with what little knowledge he had of foreingers. 'Hey, lets gather a hundred foreskins before midnight!'

Belial and Tape ignored him.

'Who is the apish freak, Belial?' shrieked Tape. 'I thought you invited Hades for this one. Now that guy's cool.'

The goat agreed. 'Hades is an inspiration to all us villains, the perfect balance between chaos and charisma. Sadly he's embroiled in something very complicated at the moment, very heartless I'm told. I'm afraid that his participation in our little scheme risks serious story leakage. And if you've ever read my source material you know that I know what is means to be confusing. Seriously, if he was here there'd be punks with giant keys on the ground in minutes.'

Through the bars of the black cage Naruku heard the words of Belial. 'So far I've had no luck getting my cage open-' Naruku made a sudden movement. 'By a humAN! I was working on Lovegood, but he wised up too fast, and the opposition got to him. I thought I could find someone in New Sodom, but no luck. Some out-of-towners are knocking around, they seem pretty out of it… when I'm out, I'll destroy this miserable world…'

'Of course!' simultaneously climaxed Tape and Naruku.

'… and surf the crossover connections into other stories. So far I can access Harry Potter, Inu Yasha-' Naruku's heart beat with indignation. He was previously convinced his comic was called: Naruku Handsome Baboon Creep (Ladies…) 'and the Philip K Dick corpus of course, as well as Abrahamic Religion thanks to Tape here. By the end of this month I intend to breach Doctor Who, Narnia, Russian literature as well as the Tommy Westphall universe. My aim, of course, is to annihilate all escapism and turn all fiction into dreary relation dramas, so humans will find it difficult to imagine a better world. As well as controlling YOU!' Belial stared at the fourth wall of his cage. 'of course, this is all big picture stuff. First I need to get outta dis joint.'


	5. Chapter 5

BEACH EPISODE!

Meanwhile, the gang was off being stupid in the cafe.

'Inu Yasha!' jumped Miroku. 'I was hanging out at the record shop, where I overheard Angel the manager describe me as an anime character.'

The Inu Yasha nodded, hoping it would end soon.

'And then the other clerk said that all animes have beach episodes.'

'Uh-hu.'

'SO LETS HAVE A BEACH EPISODE!'

'you-' began Inu Yasha, who was so angry that his fury smashed an ancient earthenware vase on the shelf next to him. Crabang! Some gaseous object unfurled out of the vase and into the monk's small nostrils. The half-demon panicked, fearing compulsory employment at the local host club.

'Non alieni amare. Scis leges et ego.' screamed Miroku. 'A studii suus quod ego ratus de. Non ab alio capere amet. Ego iustus wanna tibi quam ego sentiens Redditus est nobis vos interlinear!'

Inu Yasha was surprised, and more surprised when a pink laser beam emanated from the heavens and onto his forehead, dumping a bunch of insane exposition right into his half-human brain box. 'Uhu, oh really! I had no idea! And that's why it was always shepherds? The Cold War was fought between two hands of the same body, really! Parsifal means everything? The black iron prison never fell? Kipplé!' Learning is not always easy.

Kagome walked into the cafe, took one look at Miroku's babbling and commented. 'Yet another tragic case of Googleglossolia.'

'I have no idea what you are talking about.' responded Miroku. 'Crazy! Toys in the attic, he is crazy!'

'We need to go and see Ferris F Fremont' began Inu Yasha, wiping froth from his cheek 'Right now!'

'Weren't we going off to molest a goat?' asked Miroku innocently.

'There's that, and there's what the satellite told me! The Variable Astrological Love Intelligence System told me that Fremont can help us with on the goat.'

Kagome lifted an edition of the Quibbler from the table and held it up to the half-demon. CHEW Z: CHEAPEST FORM OF TIME TRAVEL. 'You've been hitting the tabloids again, haven't you?'

'Kagome,' exhaled Inu Yasha, 'Its either believe the first tabloid you read or spin off into a cyclone of epistemological paranoia, and the run the risk of SOLIPSISM!'

'And as a man of religion,' gurgled Miroku as he downed a jug of Sake 'I simply ca_i_nt sta_i_nd SOLIPSISM!'

Kagome wished she was in a more sensible anime. Like Cowboy Bebop or Whisper of the Heart or something. Hell, in Cowboy Bebop she'd probably be kicking a row of gangsters standing on a conveyer in the crotch to the sound of a saxophone going _Do_, _Do_, _Do. _''Fine, fine, we'll waddle off and see FFF. What kind of bloke did Valis tell you he was?'

'One of the presidential variety I believe.' squacked Inu Yasha, his eyes popping out like that of a plush doll's.


	6. Chapter 6

PRESIDENT WITHOUT PRECEDENT!

'I may not be a judge (within the common law tradition)' grinned the Japanese Richard Nixon lookalike who had suddenly apparated, (New Sodom contained the seeds of Harry Potter's backstory), behind Miroku, 'but I believe that I know a thing or too… about a PRECEDENT!'

Everyone in the cafe started laughing spontaneously and naturally. Are you? Good. Then lets continue.

'I thought I was patient,' replied Kagome 'but you sir, are a true wAITER!'

No one laughed, because that joke was so lame that if anyone mocked it they would justly earn the wrath of disability activists. Are you laughing? Good, then lets continue.

'It is true that I have more weight than you and have often been associated with beaches and made of wood,' said the pseudo-Nixon to Miroku, 'but compared to you I am no WEIGH-TIER!'

All there café patrons who aren't character in the story climaxed with hilarity, and several heads exploded in delight. Has yours?

'Sir,' said Miroku in a deadpan tone, 'I believe I have encountered some enjoyable joints between thigh and calf, but you are truly FUN-KNEE!'

The exploded café patrons reaseembled themselves with groans.

'And get me a bloody salad!' Miroku shouted and slammed both fists and feet on the table.

'Sir, I am no cook.' smiled pseudo-Nixon. 'I am Ferris Fremont. I heard one of you mention me?' Words seemed to howl from the stranger's bulging iris. 'Something about a weird ass goat?'

'Sure.' Kagome took the lead, and kicked Inu Yasha and Miroku under the table. Comedy Hour really annoyed her. 'Me and a coupla associates of mine are lookin' to go bust up the aforementioned weird ass goat on the assumption that it has a shard o'the magical Shikon jewel wedged up its-'

'Not the mention Naruku probably is implicated in all this.' quickly spake Inu Yasha, feeling that Kagome was going to say something inappropriate.

'-ear.'

Feris F Fremont fiddled with his tie and commented. 'The local government isn't too happy about the goat hanging around Pigpimples, but we can't do anything about it, not being protagonists. I do, however, have two things that could help.' He pulled two spray cans out of his suit. 'Ubik.'

'I know this stuff!' burst an excited Inu Yasha. 'Ubik practically funds the Quibbler! it's the only thing that gets advertised there! It turns back time, or makes things more real, doesn't it?'

'Something like that.' said Fremont, noticing Kagome's obvious discomfort. 'I've also got this. A wub.' he bought out a small piglet from his jacket.

'Allo, allo.' said the wub.

'Whatever you do, don't eat it. Or you'll BE it.' the president informed the gang. He shoved the Quibbler under Kagome's eyes. 'What does the second headline say?'

'It talks about a military man investigating a crash site, who realizes that he is in fact an exploding robot.' Kagome told him.

'Don't tell me what the headline talks about, repeat the exact words it uses.'

Kagome's eyes focused on the letters which danced to the beat of her thoughts. She knew what the words meant, but not what they _were_.

'Sorry. Can't help you.' she apologised as a concerned Inu Yasha and Miroku looked on.

'Hmm. Don't worry about it. Look at this coin. Whose face do you see?' fremont showed Kagome a quarter, as they say in America.

'It looks like… James Dean? Yep, definitely James Dean money.' evaluated a mystified Kagome, who you should remember comes up against the unheimlich on a daily basis.

'Don't worry about it.' echoed Ferris F Fremont, who blinked away like a television picture.

Miroku finished his Sake. 'Well, let's go get some Belial.' he burped.

'Nahh…' said Inu Yasha. 'Itsabit late. Lets do it tomorrow.'

In the schoolyard, Naruku, Sakura Tape and Belial in a cage were standing perfectly still. 'Don't move.' said Belial out of the corner of his mouth. 'Until the heroes are here.'


	7. Chapter 7

ONE POST MORE!

INU YASHA

On post more!

Another fan, another fic-she-on

A constant excursion beyond canon

Talking goats give me a chill

Why is Miroku such a dill

One post more!

MIROKU

I have a hole in my hand

Until its gone I can't be a whole man.

INU YASHA

One post more!

KAGOME

Being stuck in a world of fools

Is more entertaining than high school.

FREMONT

She put the lime in the coconut!

KAGOME

Will I kill my grandpa?

FREMONT

She drank them both up!

KAGOME

Will I rewrite history?

FREMONT

Now let me get this straight.

KAGOME

Or does it all even out!

FREMONT

You put the lime in the coconut!

LOVEGOOD

One more post before the end!

MIROKU

Can I just suck them all up?

LOVEGOOD

Beyond the piles of Kipple!

INU YASHA

Can I whack them with a sword?

LOVEGOOD

Under the watching eyes of Valis!

KAGOME

I really should have bought a feathersword!

LOVEGOOD

Where the Gnostics begin to know!

FREMONT

And drink them all up!

LOVEGOOD

Will you hang out at the schoolyard!

ALL

The Black Iron Prison Never Fell!

BELIAL

One post more to resolution

We will annihilate the lot

I will pwn these manga heroes

They will regret this fan fiction a lot!

INU YASHA

One post more!

NARUKU

Serve a talking goat

Plan to slice its throat

Someone else'll take the buck

When blood is in the air

There's a little stab

Here's a little ouch

My enemies fall on the ground

After all these scrolls!

SAKURA TAPE

Tomorrow I will whip human hide

Tired of writing letters and being snide

Every man will be a corpse,

Every man will be a corpse

There's a maze of death in creation

And faith of our fathers!

ALL

Do you hear the children scream!

MIROKU

That shard is there, so we'll pull it out!

INU YASHA

One post more!

KAGOME

Is this all some dream?

FREMONT

Say doctor! (doctor!)

KAGOME!

Or some whacked out simulation

BELIAL

I will con my way out of here

I will appeal to their desire

I will use Naruku as a decoy

I will loose myself on this world

INU YASHA

One post more!

MIROKU

Caring may takes strength

FREMONT

To relieve this belialache

MIROKU

But who said apathy was easy?

BELIAL

One post more to my salvation

I will kill them all dead

I'll unmake entire worlds

NARUKU

Stomp'em on the ground

Pound them to the earth

Once I tried to loose weight

But there is a use for my girth

INU YASHA

Tomorrow we'll kill a goat

On an otherwise typical day!

ALL

Tomorrow we'll reveal

Whatever ludicrous bullshit fate dreamed up

One more lock

One more cage

One post MOROOR,ORRR,OAAAAH!


	8. Chapter 8

A HOLEY MAN!

Aslan stepped out of a wardrobe at Boarbumps and grinned at the readership. 'Surprised?' he growled. The anthromorphic lion stalked into the shadows of the schoolyard, watching, waiting, commiserating.

The first character to wake up today was Miroku, because a demon had shined a torch on the park bench where he was sleeping. 'What gives?' he moaned, uncharacteristically. This city has that effect on people.

'Oh, nothing really.' smirked Sakura Tape. 'Just a little temptation.'

'Eh?' woke up Miroku. 'Aren't you being, well, a bit blatant?'

'You've never been one for subtlety. Or at least, you're too subtle for our tiny, tiny, microphones to notice.' sneered Tape. He really didn't have a good bedside matter, which was effectively a glorified chthonic penpal. Big deal. Tape had volunteered to tempt Miroku because he reminded him of the man who'd suggested to the father below that he be take out of the field, the Emperor of Noumaria, a monstrous clever fellow.

'You've' yawned Miroku, 'got me there. What's the bait?'

'I'm sure you've knocked around this fic long enough to become aware of its post-modern nature. One post-modern concept is _intertextuality_.' Tape let the sensual word roll within Miroku's cranium before continuing. 'It means that texts speak to other texts, as opposed to reality, I think. Miroku, I can get you to speak, nay, participate in any text you want.'

'Like the Lotus Sutra?' he said, as a committed Buddhist.

'Like the Karma Sutra.' grinned Tape. 'I can hook you up with all sorts of genres.'

'Hmm…' audibly considered the monk. 'so not only are you a demon who wakes up the homeless at unseemly hours, you're also some sort of multiversal pimp.'

Sakura Tape laughed. 'I don't see myself that way, but I'll put that on the back of my card from now on. All you have to do is bow down to our lord and master Belial.'

Miroku suspected that the demon offering gifts was working with Belial, but he'd be an idiot not to be convinced smell the whiff of goat now. 'I dunno… seems a bit undignified.'

'Ýou drive a hard bargain, Miroku-san. I can call you Miroku-san can't I? We're all good friends here. Alright, for my buddy Miroku-san all you have to do is unlock a tiny lock. With this key.' Tape summoned a key into Miroku's hand.

'A convincing pitch, I'm sure. But I'm a man of faith, it takes more than general statements to convince me. I've read of these deals. I'll only do it if you produce the portal, or pathway or whatever in advance.'

Poor Tape. There Emperor of Noumaria had a point. 'Sure.' he snapped his fingers and a window opened in the air, to Miroku's favourite work of fiction.

Like a flash, Miroku whipped a can of Ubik out of his bag and sprayed Tape all over. The demon screamed as he rapidly de-aged millennia.

'I did a comparative religion course as a part of my Buddhist training, friend,' monologued Miroku as he sprayed the flailing beast, 'and I reckon you're some kind of import from Christian mythology, and if my understanding of that religion is correct, you were a member of a faction cast out from the pantheon after an attempted coup.' he said this as Tape began to emanate light. 'I also figured you'd be operating on an inverted moral system, so good is bad and bad is good flopping through the midnight air, why you'd even say low is good and talk about your father below and a lowerachy'- the newborn angel screamed as Miroku bore on. 'am I right? And so being holy, kosher even would be torture for you. Torture so much you would be incapable of movement.' Miroku was right, the celestial was only capable of twitching. 'We all become the thing we hate.' the monk put the can down and unwrapped the hole in his palm… 'and we all come across an irresistible force.' … and sucked the screaming archangel, a Dominion to be precise, into his hand.

Talk about saving the world before breakfast! Miroku was proud. He left the key by Inu Yasha and leapt into the portal. He figured he'd deserved it.


	9. Chapter 9

DON'T CROSS THE LION!

Inu Yasha and Kagome woke five hours later, for reasons of plot convenience.

'Guess monky boy chickened out, eh.' chuckled Inu Yasha.

'He wouldn't if you hadn't been so cruel to him.' reprimanded Kagome. 'You should be concerned. He could be pregnant, or worse! Once we've kicked the ass's ass we'll put a missing persons ad in the Quibbler. Well, lets get on with it.'

Fun fact: in fan fiction societies where males are capable of pregnancy there is no abortion controversy, but family planning is free for all. Oh, reader, I am so sad that I lost a chapter of this fic, A shipping moment where Kagome and Inu Yasha spit tobacco into a campfire while convincing each other that healthcare should be free and universal, guns should be banned pokies operators are the true monsters, that there is no such thing as illegal immigrants and that all folk music is terrible.

They got on with it. The duo ambulated from New Sodom park towards Boarbumps.

'Say, Kagome, I was talking to Timothy Archer at the Café while you were evaluating the local homes, and he posited that evil only exists in the world so good has something to look good in contrast to, and I put it too him that good only exists in the world so that evil has something to look worse than, and his eyes glazed over and he nodded.' Inu Yasha spake to Kagome. Inu Yasha really needed to get out of this town, in a month he'd appear on Thought of Day or something.

'Uh huh,' rhythmically bobbed Kagome's head. Why'd she hang out with these losers?

'So I reckon that if worse comes to worse, we can destroy the Ultimate Good, and the Ultimate Bad will disappear with it. And Belial is likely to be the ultimate bad, so…' Inu Yasha had become more thoughtful, but less capable of explaining things.

'Tell you what, I'll put it on the backburner.' patronised Kagome. 'Hey, remember that fic where we were Bolsheviks? That was a confusing part of my life.'

Sadly I lost the transcript of the rest of this conversation in a mysterious house fire lit by a pink laser, which is a pity because it was the best bit of the whole story. The manuscript resumes again when the two characters were enter Boarbumps.

'Hey Helena,' Inu Yasha greeted the teacher in school reception office. 'I stole these pants from Aladdin during a crossover written as a dare. True story, true as any story.'

'Sure,' agreed Helena Hufflepuff. 'What do you call that haircut?'

'Akira.' The half-demon responded reflexively. 'which is a better name than Boarbumps.'

Hufflepuff made a face and went off to correct some homework or complain about her wages or whatever teachers do when they aren't babysitting teenagers. 'You deserve to eaten by Vikings!' Occult education system focuses purely on the occult, which is why wizards never do their own taxes.

'Yo kids!' Naruku exploded into the room wearing nothing but a feather boa under his baboon suit. 'Today's lesson is… MORTALITY. Now to try a little something Belial made up… AVEDA KEDABRA!' The baboon-wearing weirdo made spirit fingers at the duo. Fortunately, he could not kill the two protagonists for continuity reasons. If Inu Yasha and Kagome died now, how could they meet Sango, be envious of Sesshomaru style, implicitly dislike that Fox Kid, and be creeped out by the Peach Man! The Peach Man! The Peach Man!

Green sparks leaped out of Naruku's fingers and into nowhere. 'Its.. Charging up.. Like Hyper Beam!'

'Huh, huh' mocked Kagome, partially out of relief. 'Looks like Baboon Buffalo Bill's Zoroastrian inspired spell has yet to evolve… into AVEDA ALAKAZAM!' Dammit, this New Sodom place was getting to her as well.

Inu Yasha threw staples at the depressed demon creep guy. 'Yeah, what she said, with swearing!'

'PSSSH' shouted Helena Hufflepuff, who had re-entered the room wearing the Cloak of Invisibility. She levitated a wand into the hand of Kagome. 'Say Imperius, and order him to do something. It won't ruin continuity, I swear.'

Kagome had an open mind. 'Imperius!' Naruku stood to attention as Kagome ordered him to sing Dance Magic Dance, you know that song from the Labyrinth. He complied with unwilling gusto, doing the voices and everything

'Strewth Magooth!' exclaimed Inu Yasha. 'And I thought demons were sick!'

'He'll do that for the rest of eternity if you don't set him free, I think.' said Hufflepuff. 'Though Godric is still doing troubleshooting.'

'Ace with grace!' said Kagome. 'Inu Yasha, go deal with the goat. I'll keep Buffalo Bill here occupied.'

Inu Yasha dashed out of the class room and into the schoolyard, screaming something in Aramaic.

'So, he seems nice lad.' commented Helena as she watched Naruku unwillingly pick his nose.

'I dunno,' dissented Kagome as she now made Naruku stare at the wall unblinking. 'He talks like a thirty year-old woman who doing an impersonation of an angry ten-year old boy..'

'All the best men do.'

'Say, have you ever been a Bolshevik?'


	10. Chapter 10

FICTOMACHIA!

Miroksu wandered through fields of fiction and fact, fan and official, in search of advice on defeating Belial. He went to Wonderland, where they replaced profundity with […?]. He went to Ape City, where he was locked in a cage. He went to the last rainforest in Australia, walked up to a black tree with a red X on it, took out a scroll and began to read it saying 'I know a planet covered in trees and strange beautiful creatures, defended only by blue hunter-gatherers…[six lines missing]…..spinache. I can take you there, but first you must help…[scroll covered by black stain]…'

Miroksu wandered through fields of fiction and fact, fan and official, in search of advice on defeating Belial. He went to Tatooine, but the author had never seen Star Wars. He went to Springfield, but did so on Halloween. He went to Laputa, leaned over a great rail, and saw into a great letter machine [a hole in the scroll renders the next eight lines unreadable.] The cheerful red-and-white stripped spectacled man cheerfully read out that 'Seventy or so years by now, depending on the country of origin, and assuming it doesn't happen earlier, the public domain will encompass all written communication not owned by Disney. Crossovers are inevitable, and when two cultures meet war is inev…. [lacuna] Alliances will be formed among genres… two principles shall emerge, and the Fictomania shall be the greatest conflict to dance within the synapses and neurons of human beings. For better or worse, it all begins with fan fiction…'

Miroksu wandered through fields of fiction and fact, fan and official, in search of advice on defeating Belial. He went to Verona, persuaded Benevento to take up arms against Belial before the Italian escaped into a Kung-Fu film. He went to Malacandra, and ran into Horsefat again… 'I like to have a drink with ransom/ I'd like to have a drink with rans…]' the Ultimate Foundation planned to restore a Galactic Mind to take on Titania's Faerie polis, and Audry II was certainly a contender for…

Miroksu wandered through fields of fiction and fact, fan and official, in search of advice on defeating Belial. He went cleansed the Night Garden and killed Pingu's walrus. He tutored the son of Coth.

Miroksu wandered through fields of fiction and fact, fan and official, in search of advice on defeating Belial. He had grown a beard. Miroksu wandered through fields of fiction and fact, fan and official, in search of advice on defeating Belial. He had grown old. Miroksu wandered through fields of fiction and fact, fan and official, in search of advice on defeating Belial. But he could still fight. Miroksu wandered through fields of fiction and fact, fan and official, in search of advice on defeating Belial. And he could teach others. Miroksu wandered through fields of fiction and fact, fan and official, in search of advice on defeating Belial. So he wore a shell. Miroksu wandered through fields of fiction and fact, fan and official, in search of advice on defeating Belial. And taught the world's greatest hero. Miroksu wandered through fields of fiction and fact, fan and official, in search of advice on defeating Belial. And was old. Miroksu wandered through fields of fiction and fact, fan and official, in search of advice on defeating Belial. The fighting was done. Miroksu wandered through fields of fiction and fact, fan and official, in search of advice on defeating Belial. _He released that characters with unfinished stories, K., Edwin Drood, Cablon, the crew of the Serenity, the Bluths, all had the greatest potential fo all, as their untold stories could imply untold power. _Miroksu wandered through fields of fiction and fact, fan and official, in search of advice on defeating Belial. _And of course, Coleridge's Xanadu would be a powerful base for any characters wishing to launch an attack on fiction. _Miroksu wandered through fields of fiction and fact, fan and official, in search of advice on defeating Belial. _Maybe background characters, the less defined, there was no evidence to say that they weren't all power. _Miroksu wandered through fields of fiction and fact, fan and official, in search of advice on defeating Belial. _So characterisation was a weakness. _Miroksu wandered through fields of fiction and fact, fan and official, in search of advice on defeating Belial. _Which could explain his friends' behaviour in New Sodom. _Miroksu wandered through fields of fiction and fact, fan and official, in search of advice on defeating Belial. _As consistent characterisation was a weakness. _Miroksu wandered through fields of fiction and fact, fan and official, in search of advice on defeating Belial. He had the McGuffins gathered. Miroksu wandered through fields of fiction and fact, fan and official, in search of advice on defeating Belial. And had the dragon restore his youth. Miroksu wandered through fields of fiction and fact, fan and official, in search of advice on defeating Belial. Leapt though a window left by the Subtle knife. Miroksu wandered through fields of fiction and fact, fan and official, in search of advice on defeating Belial. Miroksu wandered through fields of fiction and fact, fan and official, in search of advice on defeating Belial. Into the Waste Land. Miroksu wandered through fields of fiction and fact, fan and official, in search of advice on defeating Belial. Miroksu wandered through fields of fiction and fact, fan and official, in search of advice on defeating Belial. These were the Hollow men….Miroksu wandered through fields of fiction and fact, fan and official, in search of advice on defeating Belial. _Characterisation, weakness. _Miroksu wandered through fields of fiction and fact, fan and official, in search of advice on defeating Belial. _Closure, weakness. _Miroksu wandered through fields of fiction and fact, fan and official, in search of advice on defeating Belial. _In the new war. _Miroksu wandered through fields of fiction and fact, fan and official, in search of advice on defeating Belial. Miroksu wandered through fields of fiction and fact, fan and official, in search of advice on defeating Belial. Miroksu wandered through fields of fiction and fact, fan and official, in search of advice on defeating Belial. Miroksu wandered through fields of fiction and fact, fan and official, in search of advice on defeating Belial. Miroksu wandered through fields of fiction and fact, fan and official, in search of advice on defeating Belial.


	11. Chapter 11

GOAT GOT GOTTEN!

Inu Yasha brooded his way into the school's yard, making direct eye contact with Belial in the process. Finally, months of planning where going to climax with their culmination.

'Open the cage.' said the goat.

'No!' shouted the half-demon.

Damn. 'Please?' pleaded the four-footed mammal.

'Not if you were made of Shikon jewels.' replied Inu Yasha. 'And those jewels were like really, really nice. And I have the key, so I can make sure the cage isn't opened. Ever!' he swallowed the keys to drive the point home in a Ferari of determination.

Aslan groaned. This greenhorn was doing it all wrong.

Inu Yasha bought matches and some old copies of the Quibbler out of Kagome's backpack. He rolled the sheets into little balls, set them next to the cage, and them set them on fire. 'I figured this'd smell nicer then you, Bel.' he mumbled.

'I'm not Bel.' complied Belial. 'Bel's a fertility goddess.'

'Then why are you so pretty?' joked Inu Yasha. The anthromorphic lion guessed that the greenhorn intended to suffocate the poor goat, pass the keys out, open the cage and do Aslan-knows-what with the body. Aslan almost admired the strategy, sadistic as it was.

'I used to eat entire worlds, you know.' reminisced Belial. 'Mankind's ancestors came from one of them. Called me a star-goat.'

'Yeh, whatever. I was virtually crucified on a tree for fifty years and you don't see me boasting on it.' came back the modest half-demon.

Geez, thought Aslan, that only shows that you're not doing it right. After all, its tough to be a god. He began straining, sending messages to his people here. Prayers in reverse.

Inu Yasha also had with him what Kagome called a radio. Inu Yasha called it the singing box. Carefully he retraced the pattern of button-pressing Kagome had taught him to get the box to sing about Friday, Friday, Friday. On repeat. Belial winced.

Coax the goat to sacrifice himself, thought Aslan. Why is that does that seem so familiar? Still, the boy was trying to trick him into screwing himself, which has always been the Bent Ones's M.O. Ironic really. Ahh, here comes my ride.

Inu Yasha and Belial gasped as a ball of pink light fell from the heavens onto the schoolyard, enveloping the lion they both had overlooked. (This place was futuristic, domesticated lions were as plausible as radio.) But Aslan was no tame lion. Nor was he naked.

The spiritual satellite Valis had transformed itself into a pink fighting mecha, because this is anime fanfiction. And the rider was Aslan, lion king of Narnia! Aslan laughingly piloted the robot, picking up Belial's cage like a toy, and smashing it on the ground as the eagle smashes the snail.

'Hur Hur Hur!' laughed the lion. 'Try and reason your way out of THIS one!'

'Bugger.' cried Belial as he was gradually smashed into jelly.

Inu Yasha saw that he was not quite needed, ducked back into the schoolhouse to bring Kagome and the coerced Naruku into the frame. 'Why are you hitting yourself?' Kagome snarled as she tortured her enemy.

'Stop that Kagome!' screeched Inu Yasha. 'Get him to hurt Belial!'

'Fine,' sighed Kagome. 'Naruku, hurt Belial.'

Naruku teeth chopped up and down horizontally as his amplified voice barked through them. 'No one will ever love you, Belial. No matter how stylish you are, how charming you get, what magic you learn, no one will genuinely want to be around you. You bully and threaten all those who serve you, and all those who serve you willingly have no other option. Face it Belial, you are history's loser. Like myself, to the power of infinity.' Having worked with Belial Naruku was something of an authority. Tears rolled down the creep's face, and similar water worked on the features of Belial, who wept the tears of the damned.

'Thanks guys,' bellowed Aslan over Valis' PA system. 'but old uncle Aslan's got it from here!' By now every bone in Belial's goaty body was smashed into liquid. Aslan also worked on Belial with Valis' pink laser. Any normal goat would be dead by now.

'Don't lase me bro!' cried Belial in agony.

Helena Hufflepuff had waltzed into the schoolyard in her invisibility cloak, and whispered into Inu Yasha's ear. 'Godric and Salazar ought to be back from the pub by now.'

'Thanks, Helena.' he thanked. 'Kagome, now get Naruku to attack Aslan!'

'Okay.' shrugged Kagome, who wasn't really paying attention. 'Naruku, you heard the man!'

Naruku had no longer faith in any magic Belial invented, so he ran up to the pink robot and started savagely tearing at its leg. Loosing his balance, Aslan tossed Belial's cage over the school house and swore in Enochian.

Two men flew in on a broomstick and landed in the schoolyard. one was tall and dark-haired and possibly Portugese, while the other was short, fat and blond. These were undoubtedly Godric and Salazer, who along with Lovegood (who we have lost interest in) and Hufflepuff had founded the magic school Boarbumps, though they didn't know it was called that now.

'Greetings Helena,' breathed Salazer. 'Whose piloting the fabulous Mech?'

'Some talking lion dude.' answered the teacher. 'Maybe Aslan.'

'Isn't he the Christian allergy fellow?' asked Godric. Godric had swag, which in later years was inherited by Gilderoy Lockhart.

'You know, I do believe he is.' agreed Salazer. 'And you know how I feel about religion in schools. Makemyvoicelouderus,' he enchanted, pointing his wand at his throat. His voice boomed throughout the school like thunder. 'We've really got to think up better names for these things. Aslan, get out of our school now, or we'll have the children dissect you in Herbology.'

'Oooh, look who got all hoity toity about property.' lambasted Aslan in a sarcastic tone. 'I'm the one who is dealing with your goat problem, buddy.' He continued lazering Belial and dodging Naruku's unwilling attacks.

'More like assaulting our new Defence Against Dark Arts Teacher!' complained Salazar, as Hufflepuff facepalmed next to him. So that's what the cage was doing in the schoolyard! 'Alright, no more mister nice mage. Takeyourclothesoffius!' He thrust his wand at Aslan, causing occult forces to remove the talking lion from the Valis mecha. This was the first time Salazer had used this spell in such a public arena, and he wasn't certain it would work. For its part, the satellite swum up to space again, muttering something about it being the bloody siege of Masada all over again.

Naruku continued attacking the demecha'ed lion, stomping him to the ground and crushing him under his massive girth. Aslan was an expression and product of human weakness, so this was not difficult. The injured beast looked up to see two grinning wizards.

'Hey, look, Godric.' smirked Salazer. 'it's a talking lion. Doesn't the Pigpimiples charter say we shouldn't suffer a talking lion to live?'

'I do believe you are right, Sal' smiled Godric. 'and doesn't it also say that the lion who wears sentient satellites as though they were clothes is an abomination, and that both should be put to death, their blood upon them.' he brought out his wand, and began blasting Aslan with fireballs while inquring about the buzz and what was a happening.

Aslan's hide burst into flames. Naruku, who was getting tired, plunged his claw into Aslan's tenderized chest and into the lion's heart. Aslan, the king of Narnia was dead and two wizards roasted marshmellows on his burning corpse. 'No Eurovision in Narnia next year, HAH!' screamed Godric.

Before the wizard's arrival Inu Yasha had rushed onto the ruins of the schoolhouse, and watched Belial slowly melt under Valis' pink lazer beam. As he had predicted, ultimate evil (I.e. Belial) cannot exist without ultimate good, and Aslan seemed to be the ultimate good. Inu Yasha expected the ultimate good to be more Japanese, but well… stories would be pointless without surprises. The half-demon was correct in assuming a confrontation with the ultimate evil would smoke out the ultimate good. He climbed down into the melted cage and retrieved the Shikon Shard. Everything had really gone to plan, even though he had no reason to believe the shard would be there.

He joined Kagome and the bickering occultists in the schoolyard. 'Yo del fol, wizards. Looka this.' He held the shining Shikon Jewel up to Kagome. 'Inu Yasha strikes home again.'

'Nice work, pal.' muttered Kagome. 'Not that this sort of thing happens every month or so or anything…'

'Hey mister!' Godric sauntered up to the half-demon. 'I gather you're responsible for this fracas?'

Inu Yasha shrugged. 'I guess you could say that, BUT FOR the fool that invited Belial here.'

Godric turned red with fury and Hufflepuff laughed at him. 'Come, Gozza, its not all bad.' she punched his shoulder. 'Hey, we'll make the lion the symbol of Gryffindor house.'

'He's not really dead you know… these freaks will always be allowed to pop up again for as long as tradition is esteemed above reality.' pointed out Salazar. 'Which means Belial will be back. We can recruit him them!' This cheered up Godric, who listened as his good friend asked. 'Hey Helena… where's Lovegood?'

'I dunno.' sighed Hufflepuff. 'Probably wandering the backstory of some obscure sci-fi novel muttering about board games that teach children to enjoy loosing. I say we recruit Rowena Ravenclaw, you know, the one all the dermatologists hate.'

During all of this, Kagome was forcing Naruku to breakdance while whistling Hava Nagila, on principle. See, I haven't forgotten about him. And neither I have forgot our old acquaintance.

Occultists, the half-demon and the schoolgirl fell to the ground as a huge portal opened in the heavens that spilled Miroku and an entire horde of reinforcements. The monk had a long black beard and was wearing a turtleshell.

'I'm back!' shrieked the monk. 'With re-' A sentient haystack brandished a club with a nail in it nine-feet long. '-in-' four ghosts ran from a yellow pie graph digesting cherries. '-Force-' A blonde woman wearing a green dress levitated a red knife not unlike Macbeth's floating hallucination. '-ments!' A pasty automaton with scissor for hands posed dramatically. 'Lets get this awwwhhHHN!' the monk thrust his pelvis energetically, riding a giant patchwork elephant.

'Yer late!' shouted Salazar. 'Your pal here killed Belial.'

'Damn. Alright guys, back to the portal.' Miroku's horde were reluctantly sucked back into their original works of fiction.

'That's our Miroku, when he's not a no-show he certainly is a side-show!' giggled Kagome as she focused her borrowed magic on Naruku, making him sing 'Party for everybody dance, come and dance.'

'Hey now… I turned a demon into an angel, and then I sucked him-' despite being commanded to do the chicken dance, Naruku chuckled as he finally comprehended the full impact of Miroku's genetic curse. '-into the black hole in my hand, that is!'

'MIROKU!' shouted a censorious Inu Yasha, before he, Kagome, all occultists present threw their head back burst out in genuine human laughter, that went like: 'HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA,AHHAHAHAHHH H H H CHABKAFKABKAKFKKSKBSKKAFKAKF AKFAKAFKAKAFKASHAHAHAHAHHFAH HAHFSJFSJOGOEHGDSOBJDSGOJWOE ldslgmdslmgleGJWOEHHOOHHOO! ! HHO! ! ! ! ! ! !HO ,?!' If you haven't heard genuine human laughter, well, I guess fan fiction is a good place to listen.

Kagome elaborated. 'If you make another innuendo like that again, the next fic you'll feature in will be a High School AU.' Then she had a brilliant idea. 'Miroku, how about you stick Naruku somewhere unpleasant?'

'I guess I can do that.' murmured Miroku memorably.

'Do you know Where The Wild Things Are?' Kagome continued.

'No…'

'Go to Where The Wild Things Are, and leave Naruku there. And for gods sake, put that groinsaw back wherever you got it from. That thing freaks me out. Naruku, bite your tongue!' she handed the wand to Miroku. The Imperius curse was in full affect, with blood dribbling over the fiend's chin like a raspberry waterfall. Captor and captured hovered up to the portal and crossed over.

A minute later the portal opened and vomited out Miroku, wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a smoking a Cuban cigar. 'If any of you, in any of the ridiculous crossovers you're bound to feature in, wind up in a harem anime, pretend you don't know who I am!' Beat.

'But seriously now, we should all go out drinking!' screamed Godric. So all named characters, except Lovegood who was hanging out at Perelandra, and the occult children who were off being useless, went to their favourite café and downed several jugs of Sake. Oh, except for Miroku who was for some reason was driving a bull dozer over Ravenclaw's half-built mansion.

The last thing Inu Yasha remembered was Helena offering to put special flavouring into his wine, and humouring her. 'Its called, Forgottheeventsofthisfanfict ionandgetthehellbacktocanoni um, I think!' she said as she spiked his drink.

After the pill knocked out Inu Yasha, Helena heard an oinking sound from his bag. 'Oh, this?' she picked up the pig, and read a message written in Kagome's handwriting. She couldn't read what each individual word meant, but the gist was that when Belial returns, feed him the wub. The wub, after all, inspired the phrase 'you are what you eat.' In honour of this great plan, she swore to rename the school, again, Wubworts.


End file.
